Q: My boss has always been mildly inappropriate, but we always laughed it off by saying that it was just one of his quirks. However, last week he actually grabbed my butt and tried to kiss me when no one was around! I’m afraid that if I bring it up to him he’ll fire me, especially since I don’t have any evidence or witnesses. What should I do?
–Scared Jobless
A: If you want to let him know that he’s done something wrong, revenge is the only way. Start small, by torching his car. Then go bigger, by raping and murdering his wife, in front of him if you can. Make sure there’s lots of blood and yelling. Then torture him in some ironic way, maybe by grabbing his butt so hard that it falls off and maybe makes him fart a lot. Make sure you film all of this, so that before you kill him, you can make him watch it over and over (8 to 12 times, and don’t be afraid to do it even more than that) so that he gets it. Really gets exactly what’s wrong, and so that he can understand what he did wrong, so that he gets that you’re mad. He needs to understand why you don’t like that he did that, and you’re mad. You’re mad, right? He needs to get that. He needs to get it. Once this is done, you can fall asleep satisfied that justice has been done, and done in the cleverest way possible.
Q: I really have a hard time being social and talking to people I don’t know that well. I’m forcing myself to go to a party this weekend where I won’t know many people, and I need advice!
–Shy in Chicago
A: The best way to win people over is humor, and the best humor is the edgy stuff that makes people think AND laugh. Give racial humor a go. Single out a black person (other races will do in a pinch, but you’ll get the best results from a black person) and scream out as many racial epithets as you can. This will make people uncomfortable, which is always funny, and you’re demonstrating the inherent absurdity of racism. Maybe you’ll even get people to reevaluate their own ideas about race! Everyone will be laughing in no time, and you will have made important social commentary, which is really the main goal of comedy anyway. Keep in mind this only works if you’re white, and it only barely works if you’re another race other than black or white. If this simply isn’t an option, just shit yourself and make fart noises for half an hour straight, or give a detailed description of how you’d murder a baby. (If you’re lucky there will be a baby there you can pretend to murder.) It will be hilarious, and you’ll be getting laid in no time.
Q: I don’t know how to tell my wife that she’s gained some weight, and I’m concerned about her eating habits. She’s very sensitive about this stuff, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I say?
–Nervous
A: Fart shit poop fag butts fuck goddammit balls tranny gay pee pee Bush fart dead hooker butts abortion fuck God butts balls
That’s about it for this time. We’re going to go suck each other’s balls with a Bush mask on! Just kidding. That was a joke about how we’re gay, even though we’re not. It was funny because we stated our intent to perform an action incompatible with our identity, and because it involved a mask featuring former president Bush’s likeness, it was also political. Write this down, we’re geniuses, and if you don’t get it you should kill yourself.
