Dear WFM,
I recently lost my job because of the economic crisis, and my wife has since been especially cold to me. I’ve been working hard to find another one, but I think she blames me. At any rate, we haven’t had sex since then. I’m not sure what to do. Help!
–Jobless and Lonely
Well, as the World’s Fattest Man, I spend a lot of time sitting in an expensive, specially made bed to hold my 1200+ lb body, which has long since ceased to be functional. Really, I’ve stopped even resembling a human. I’m more like a pale, sweaty Jabba the Hutt without a propensity for crime or violence (but for danishes). My life expectancy is very low, so I doubt that I will be able to see what happens to your marriage. It’s gotten very difficult to write this column over the years, because my keyboard (which is four times the normal size to accomodate my large fingers) has been encrusted with ground beef. Please send a thank you note to me when you see your problem in print.
Dear WFM,
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m a lesbian. I haven’t told anyone. The problem is, I’m in a committed relationship, and worst of all, I think I might be pregnant with his child. What should I do?
–Secretive
Well, as the World’s Fattest Man, I’ve had a lot of time to “sit” at my computer (whose keyboard is, again, very large and covered in very old ground beef) and some of that time is spent watching pornography, provided I can keep my heavy eyelids up. If those particular films are any indication, I would say that the best way to find out your sexual orientation is to invite your female friends over and have sexual relations with all of them. I hope you will keep me updated.
Dear WFM,
I’m twenty-seven years old, female, single, and I’ve had a crush on a guy I work with for at least a month. I’ve been flirting with him a lot lately, and I thought I had won him over, but then I overheard him talking about me, and he called me a “cow”. I’m heartbroken and confused, since I’ve never really thought of myself as “fat”. Help!
–Confused over Weight
Well, as the World’s Fattest Man, I haven’t seen myself in a mirror in four years, since I have been unable to get out of my state-of-the-art weight distribution bed to look, but judging by people’s reactions when they see me, I don’t think I will be winning any beauty contests (unless the primary criterion are “very fat”). Given this, you probably are disgusting, even more so than a normal fat person because you are a woman. I’m afraid that if you came into my room, I would throw up an entire turkey.
You know, I’ve often been called calloused, and not simply because of old bed sores. I believe the chief duty of a advice columnist is to be honest, and sometimes that means telling my readers exactly what I think about things like homosexuality and danishes.
